No! Not My iPod!

I've been told that a mule has the brain capacity of a two-year-old child and I believe it! When my friends talk about their kids, I find it hard not to begin comparing them to my mules. The funny thing is, they are so like children that it's hard for me not to make the comparison!

Take Maxine for example. She was my first "child," so she'll always be my favorite. However, now that Madge has entered the picture, I can't spend all of my time with Maxine. I have to devote time to Madge so that she grows up to be a respectable "adult." Unfortunately, that doesn't make my jealous girl very happy.

What makes matters worse is that Madge and Maxine live across the stall aisle from one another. Therefore, Maxine gets to watch every minute that I spend with Madge. Every second that I'm with the little one, Max spends pacing, cribbing, pinning her ears, and rattling the walls. Ignoring her has been pretty successful, and a quick pop on the nose helps.

One day, however, she got the best of me.

Before I left for home, I walked down to the barn to say good-bye to the girls. When I arrived, I noticed that Madge's mommy didn't look so hot. She was lying on the ground, and her eyes had lost their sparkle. I also noticed that Madge was jumping all over her and she giving her what for like she normally would. Suspicious, I headed back up to the house to tell my trainer what was up.

When my trainer saw her mare, she said, "I don't like the look of this. We should get her walking. We'll need to take Madge out with her. Can you stay and do that?"

Stay? Of course!

I set my purse down on the cabinet in the stall aisle, haltered Madge, and headed out of the barn with my trainer and her mare. For the next 40 minutes, we watched the mare graze and poop.

Personal observation: I've never paid so much attention to poop until I got a mule. "When was the last time she pooped? Is it hard? Is it soft? Is it oily? Is it dry?" If my non-horsey friends heard some our conversations, they'd think I was nuts. Of course, I've heard pregnant friends discussing dilation and afterbifth (ick!), so I guess we're even. I'll stick to poop talk, thank you very much!

Confident that the mare was probably having a hard heat cycle, which was more uncomfortable than life-threatening, we headed back to the barn. On the way, we ran into my trainer's dad.

"Hey, I'll tell you a secret about Max if you promise not to kill her," he quiped.

"Um, I promise," I replied.

"While you were gone, she turned over your purse," he explained with a twinkle in his eye. "I picked everything up and put it on a bucket for you. Should be all there."

"Figures," I rolled my eyes. "Thanks for the warning."

As we walked into the barn, I saw the pile of belongings on the bucket. Everything looked in order, so I packed the items in my poop-stained purse with a laugh and patted Max on the head. I totally understood her frustration. After reasuring her that she'll always be my "number one" mule and reminding her that our campout—without little sister—was only weeks away, I headed home.

Personal observation: I thought for a moment about apologising to my trainer's dad for the Tampons that were in my purse, but I figured it was best left unsaid.

The next morning, I returned for lessons. The wranglers were still cleaning stalls when I arrived, so I decided to help. Maxine is a horrible housekeeper. Even though I pay full board, I like to help whenever I can, so I grabbed a pitchfork and headed her way.

As I forked out the mucky mess, I spotted a strange, black object. Leaning over, I pulled the mass out of the mess. As I picked it up, I began to realize...

"Oh, crap! It's my iPod!"

Personal observation: I'd been so amuzed by her antics the night before that I didn't think to take inventory as I repacked my purse.

I wiped the muck off my iPod and pressed the center button to fire it up. Nothing. I hit the reset sequence. Nothing. Still, I hoped for the best. That evening I took it home, cleaned it off, and hooked it up to the charger. Nothing. The final report from the Apple store the next day was that, while it might be fixable, it would probably cost as much or more to repair than to purchase a new model.

Needless to say, I'm now using my old iPod Nano. And, when my friends tell me that I don't understand what it's like to be a parent I tell them that I completely understand. The fact is that the only difference between your kids and mine is that yours will grow out of the terrible twos!

Photo: Maxine vies for attention.